11th July 2016

As I mentioned in my series of dying thoughts post, I have decided to put a few of my dysfunctional entries online, as separate posts. They'll all be about my thoughts on dying so, you know, a little depressing. I was aiming to get them all up within a week. Best intentions, eh?

When I wrote this I was still in Wellington hospital and on a high morphine dose. Again, this post is cheesy. But I do not apologise this time.

11^th July 2016

I have been struck with a sudden, maybe even overwhelming, desire not to die. Overwhelming is probably a bit much. I am not hysterical. I am not even sobbing. I am merely weeping from one eye. I don’t know what weeping from one eye is called. Sadness, perhaps?

I don’t have a bucket list. A few people, including medical professionals, have asked me about my list. Even to compose a list. My bucket list was to live a long life with Michael. Before all this, the disease, the relapses, I’d become comfortable with myself. And I’d come to quite like us as a couple. We were growing up, maturing, and our life in Nelson was going to help people, both now people and future people. I have no doubt that Mike will continue to do good once I am gone. He is the best man I know. But I am really quite sad that I will not be there to watch him achieve this greatness. His wife is going to die, and I’m not going to be there to help him when that happens. That is the hardest part for me. I love that man so much. I am going to miss him even though I won’t actually be around to experience the loss.

I am lucky, so lucky, to feel this strongly about someone. But I am sad, and both eyes are weeping now.